What Comes Next?
It’s been over a year since my last post. It’s okay. I’ll accept that I can be a bit flighty, and I sometimes don’t finish or maintain projects. I’d like to say this year will be different, but I’m keeping my expectations…realistic.
In less than three weeks, I will begin my journey as a doctoral student.
Excuse me as I re-frame and process those words.
I am a doctoral student.
It gives me chills thinking about how I made it here. I’ve known since middle school that I wanted to become a psychologist. I took the right classes in undergrad and worked as a research assistant in several labs. But it took me some time to feel ready to take that leap. Now that I’m here, it feels surreal and terrifying.
I’m jumping into an experience that people describe as life-altering and soul-crushing. But I’m ready. While applying last fall, I spoke with my former PI and a close former professor about the realities of entering a PhD program. What does it look like? Am I ready for this? How will I know when I’m actually prepared to get started?
In hindsight, my greatest fear in applying to grad school was the fear of succeeding and what that would mean for me moving forward. I’ve failed at many things, so failure and I are well acquainted. But the risks of succeeding heavily outweighed the risk of me staying in my low-paying job with no room to grow. I knew how to do my job. I knew how to do my job well. I knew how to manage the various personalities and managerial styles in my company. What I didn’t know how to do was move on to bigger and better things for myself. It felt bigger than me. It felt like it wasn’t my time.
But why couldn’t it be my time?
Being successful in graduate school means I am one step closer to the career I dreamed about in middle school. It meant making a meaningful difference in a field I believed needed more trained professionals of varying perspectives. It meant that I wasn’t going to sit at a desk at a job that would likely never turn into a career.
Thinking about “What Comes Next?” feels like a huge question. Because the reality is, you don’t know what’s next. The hardest part about moving forward is allowing yourself to be open to new and endless possibilities. I am giving myself permission to see my dreams through and make a difference the way I’ve always wanted.
So, in about two weeks, I’ll be anxiously sitting in class ready to truly embark on my next steps.
