Everything is fine

I am a little over four weeks into this doctoral program, and I am this strange combination of feeling perfectly fine and drowning. My anxiety has manifested itself in snacking and occasionally experiencing symptoms of a cold. Which is…not great, but somehow it’s keeping me from feeling a sense of panic all the time. I haven’t decided if this is more helpful or not.

Going into this program, I did my research. Oh boy, did I.

I listened to podcasts. I read blog posts. I watched YouTube videos. I spoke to friends who were already in the throes of their own graduate journeys. I didn’t want to feel blindsided by what I could experience. So far, I haven’t felt blindsided because I refused to begin this program without having a “clear” understanding of what this is.

Graduate coursework is what I wanted in my undergrad experience. I wanted to learn material to actually gain knowledge. College felt like high school with more homework and harder tests. It didn’t feel like I was truly learning anything. Part of that is completely on me. I was passing tests and grasping basic concepts to do well so I could eventually be admitted into a graduate program.

And it worked! I learned enough and did what I had to to get where I am. But it’s the research that’s getting me. The idea of developing my thesis is kicking my butt, and I am still in the early stages. Formulating my own research topics and questions and hypotheses is new to me. The only experience I have is from group projects, and they were very low-stakes. My ability to generate ideas and develop this research is a new concept, and that is where I’m drowning. How does one research?

I am reading so much and have so many ideas, but I’m having trouble pinning down a topic and just going with it. Writing my statement of purpose for admission, I had the freedom to be kind of general with my research interests, but now I have to decide on something. It’s very early in the process, but the longer I drag this out, the more stressed I become. It’s only September, but I received a summer fellowship to begin working on my own research in July. Meetings upon meetings and it feels like it’s moving so slowly, but my adviser is great in helping me narrow my focus and not feel discouraged. I’m lucky to have a very supportive and understanding adviser in my corner. My roommate is also in my program, and we use each other as sounding boards when we feel stuck. It’s nice to have that support, but this research thing will take some time.

I know that everything will be okay and it’s a learning process, but I’m ready to know what I’m doing now.